Day 89: Journey updates

The following is a detox of my mind.

I had a mentor tell me its good when time goes by slowly. When you’ve only been in a place for a few months and there was an experience or and adventure everyday it feels like two months is the equivalent to a year in the ordinary world. After embarking on my adventure, I feel more in tune with the “special world” or the “unknown world” as referenced by Joseph Campbell. I know the journey is still in the beginnings, but its everything I wanted.

I got a second job as a personal trainer part-time. It’s funny how I never went out looking for it, it came to me and I was ready for the opportunity. Since coming here I have evolved to be in the best shape of my life and only getting better. I think if I were to come here and just let go, that opportunity very well may have not occurred. You don’t have to get ready when you stay ready.

I feel I can’t divulge everything, nobody does. There is a balance to personal life and a blog post. These experiences and adventures are so well ingrained in my mind I can reference later if needed I imagine.

I also heard the phrase “You’ll never be a bum, its just not in you”. It makes me think of what I’ve accomplished so far and its true for certain people. They just don’t have that spirit, they get things done. Most importantly, they show up. Those three words is what can distinguish someone who kind of wants something and someone who wants it. If you just show up, to whatever it is, you’ll learn along the way. In the words of Richard Branson, “If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you’re not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later”. Just, fucking, show, up.


Day 72: Serenity Returns

The road not taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Kind of tongue in cheek. Grass will always be greener on the other side. However something to be taken from this. Serenity I think is the most important quality anyone can have for preserving mental health. Just loving where you’re at, nothing wrong with that. That can be mistaken for complacency though, which I am not preaching. But I think what Robert Frost is trying to convey is that life is best spent staying in your lane and not worrying what your friends have, or how life could be if you did something different.
An apartment tenant I ran into delighted me this morning by asking “Have you decided to make something of your life and go to college to get a master degree like I did?” with a frown on his face as usual. If that’s what “winning” looks like, I want no fucking part. Decrepit carcass of a man.

Day 64: Escapism

I feel these escapism tendencies coming on more and more. There are thing in life to just let happen as they come. However I feel drawn towards getting that dose of escapism again and again the more im here. I think I did this even more when I was at home with video games and such, letting me escape for hours on then from reality. I wonder if too much reality caused this. Every week is an adventure I feel with new people and new challenges. But I catch myself delving into activities that I know are not exclusively product itself, but its just nice to not have to think about other things for a while. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but a part of myself is telling me to stop.

Check back in a few days.

Day 59: No Reflection

Fuck, this is a feeling I haven’t felt in a while. You get into a state that you know isn’t “you”? You’re laying in bed and wonder who you’ve become. A weak feeling. Empowering too. Its a moment of revelation at least. You feel disconnected from the matrix you were once stuck inside for the past few days, maybe months. I know im not quite out yet I don’t think. But it was a “clicking” moment none the less. I really want to study this thought more the longer I think about it. Its been going on the last few days, making the days feel like weeks. A sulking mood, with a lethargic undertone. You spend hours, looking for an answer as to whats wrong with you. Only to find yourself still in the matrix that is that feeling. You fill the voids of time with things you think you should be enjoying, you do, but something just isn’t right. It’s as if you look in the mirror and you cast no reflection. The spell is over, back to original form.

A tortured artist is redundant to say the least.


Day 57: Re-imagining Man

The last few days have been busy. Working good hours at my new job, good comradery there makes me forget that its work. Of course there is time for work, but after it settles fun spirit erupts.

I am also about halfway through the book “The rational male” that was recommended to me by a mentor of mine. Not even done and it has secured itself in the top five books I’d recommend to a man. It focuses on “unplugging” yourself from the female matrix that is modern opposite sex relations. Unlearning everything you’ve been taught about post 1960 intersex relations. It is a very easily digestible book to any reader. The most valuable ideas to come out of it for me were “Plate spinning” and “Shit testing”. Plate spinning regarding a circus plate spinner that has multiple plates on delicate sticks. Some plates wobble, some stay in a fluid spin. But the point is that if you have only one woman (one-itis) as your only plate, then when it begins wobbling you begin to panic, you begin to think what will happen if you have no plates. In turn you do anything you can think of to balance the plate. Voices in your head tell you to spin it faster, wait no, slow down! Ergo it crashes, you are left plate-less. On the contrary, if you have multiple plates, some spinning at different speeds, some wobbly, some fluid you don’t put attention the one that wobbles, no anxiety, you let the plate spin at its preferred speed. If the plate falls and crashes, you still have 3 other plates spinning. In summary, it is important for young men not to develop a “one-itis” (soulmate) in fear of losing her would mean no other options. That same ability of having options gives cues to women a sense of competition anxiety. No woman wants a man that is not sought after by other women (be it of his own choice) and if they do, the know he is in a powerless state where he can be smacked around no matter what.

This will turn into a long post I can tell. The other term “Shit testing” I thought was a profound statement. As a boy does to his mother, women do to men. They see how far they can go. They test their limits. They want to see what you’ll stand up for. Now that I look back I can see many times I was “shit tested”. If you reference a female on this matter, she will act clueless, rightfully so, as she is not consciously aware of it. But if you are aware you can reference times as a man that a woman expected an apology, a reimbursement for their convinced wrong doings you committed, or to just bow down to them. The shit test when a man has only one plate goes terrible. He cuts off his testicles and starts dancing around while saying “Are you happy now?” in hopes of the plate to return to original speed. Never does this happen though. The second you do this, the woman knows what she can get away with. She knows the power of guilt she has over you to ensure you work for her imperative. Again, she doesn’t mean it in my mind, its hard-wired, its a power play.

Ending that, I feel drawn toward writing an e-book. A new project. I am still deciding what exactly im the most well versed at or deciding that me not knowing anything about a subject will prompt me to do heavy research. I even have as much as the next entire long blog post planned out in my head. All will come together.

I had a conversation with a housemate giving light on the past few weeks. At the time I didn’t understand why I was laid off of other things. However as these situations begin to appear more often, I am starting to have a lessened sense of anxiety about them. Knowing that there is always a comeback, always an opportunity to strike a telling blow. Anti-fragile would be the name for it. Because every time these occur, I come back with new knowledge, and a better result.

Starting to warm up here, looking forward to more beach time.




Day 51: New flow

Quiet days are needed. Today started with a new workout program. An Arnold Schwarzenegger cutting program lasting about 8 weeks. The most strength and size gains I made was while doing his mass program, so the cut program should be good. Cut in fitness jargon is to lose weight. The workout last about two hours though, Arnold was insane, and also on hormones letting him workout without his muscles fatiguing. However the program is still good for a full natural, just have to tone down the weights throughout the workout. The first day of workout ended with a nap which I arose, covered in sweat with the windows open. Fair to say there is a subtle heat wave sweeping Los Angeles this week. I can only imagine my ride to work tomorrow will be the same. No complaints, living life on my terms.

Another sunny day, might try to avoid such dark colors.

Day 50: Get out

Hot as hell in my apartment tonight despite the windows being open all day. I saw the film “Get out” today and it has to be one of my favorite thriller films I’ve seen in a while. The panning camera angles and the eerie tones made for a great sense of mystery. Even as I got up to go to the bathroom I felt like I was in the movie when I heard a little noise. The movie to my understanding was slightly under attack by B-class movie critics saying its racist against white people because it stereotypes them as they are displayed in the movie. Couldn’t be farther from the truth, because it is a movie after all. Twilight zone type shit. Besides that the movie had really good story too, it projects what a hypnosis feels like, scary to watch and to think about for too long. They describe the feeling as “the sunken place” where the hypnotized slips out of their consciousness. I can imagine there are stories out there that are similar, hopefully a doc I can watch on it.

Getting hotter everyday, need to invest in shorts.